Harry Potter Gone Crazy!
by ChineseFireball1
Summary: The troublesome trio is back for another year of fun-filled (and dangerous, of course) adventures. Ron makes quite an impression on Hermione's parents, Harry leaves the Dursleys', and...Krum??


Chapter 1

The Canary 

Once upon a time, there lived a witch in a straw cottage. The cottage was very magical; it disappeared and reappeared in all sorts of bizarre places. Once, the witch decided to reappear on the Hogwarts grounds. But, much to her dismay, Voldemort materialized behind her before she could even get outside. He crept into the cottage and used it to slip into Hogwarts unnoticed ...  


* * *   


"But Hermione, can't you put some sense into your parents!?! MY TEETH ARE FINE!" Ron whispered loudly to his bushy-haired friend, Hermione, as he eyed the sparkling drills and needles lying beside an orange dental chair that he had been forced to sit in.   


"They're my parents, what am I supposed to do? And besides, you haven't cleaned your teeth in years! Have you _ever _cleaned your teeth?" Hermione responded. _'I am not going to kiss anyone that smells like Hagrid's meat pies,'_ she thought with determination. Her face blushed at the notion. _'It's for his own sake.'_  


"Nuunn..." Ron struggled out in agonizing protest as Mr. Granger turned on the shrieking drill and stuck his hand into Ron's mouth in an attempt to pry it open.

  
"Bloody hell, mate. You just bit me!" Mr. Granger exclaimed. "Relax, it's only a cleaning. Don't you want sparkly white teeth just like Hermione's? Though I do admit they're a little big in the front, but we'll fix that, won't we honey?" added Mr. Granger as he casually glanced toward Hermione, who just happened to be biting down on a sugar-free chocolate cake with her mouth wide open at the moment. "Hermione!" he screamed, still holding the drill.

"OWW!" Ron screamed as Mr. Granger thrust the drill right through one of Ron's front teeth.  


Mr. Granger ignored Ron as his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets and continued to stare at Hermione's mouth, which she tried quickly and unsuccessfully to conceal with her hand. "What happened to your buck teeth?!"

  
"Oh daddy, they're only a little filed down," Hermione attempted to say with a casual voice. "They look so much nicer...don't they?" she added hesitantly.

  
"Ow?" Ron said absentmindedly, forgetting all his pain as it became clear that he would bear witness to a electrifying display.

  
Steam rose from Mr. Granger's head, and Hermione's hair seemed to be even bushier, if that was possible, as the show-down began. "Hermione, I told you not to use magic on your teeth!" The steam continued to radiate from his head in droves.  


"But they're so much fas-" More bushiness.  


"Teeth and magic don't mix togeth-"  


"That's hodgepodge, and you know it! You just want me to suffer more!"

"And I'm surprised at you, you disobeyed me!"  


"No I didn't; I wasn't the one that performed the fil-"  


"You've never disobeyed me bef-"  


"I didn't-"  


"I'm disappointed in you, Hermione."  


"But daddy, it wasn't-"  


"Don't you talk back young lady-"

  
"I'm NOT talking back! If you would you just listen-"

  
"Alright, you're grounded." 

The room filled with silence. This time it was Hermione's turn to stare open-mouthed. "Wha..." she managed to utter in disbelief. "Imsowyidonthiniherurite," Hermione muttered with great difficulty.

  
"You heard me right. You're grounded."

  
"But what about Krum?! I'm leaving for Bulgaria tomorrow!" protested Hermione as she finally recovered her voice.

  
"Not anymore."  


As soon as Mr. Granger had spoken those two words, great commotion could be heard in the background that momentarily interrupted the tension between the two exploding firecrackers. Ron suddenly did a great leap that defied any law of gravity currently known to man and landed on the dental chair with an immense thud and a cry. "YES!" He was grinning from ear to ear, or rather from the north pole to the south, the new hole on his front tooth still in full view, naked for the world to see.  


"What are you so happy about?!" snapped Hermione sharply as she suddenly turned her head toward Ron; in fact, she turned her head so quickly that you could hear her neck crack.  


"What are you so unhappy about? Krum is scum. He didn't even mention inviting me or Harry, did he?"  


"You're just jealous!" Steam suddenly started to appear again, only this time it came from Hermione's head.

  
"Of Scum?"  


"Of me being with Scum...Er, Krum, and you know it!"  


"Are you implying that I'm gay?!"

  
"Huh? Er...No, I actually meant-"  


"Scum is the fairy here, OK!!"  


"Stop calling him Scum!"  


Just then a gentle rap was heard on the door of the dental office. "Hello," a voice said with a deep accent. Seconds later, a extremely large nose hesitantly appeared through the crevice of the door, followed by the head of Viktor Scum...Krum. "Vat iz zis zcum you are talking avout?"  


"AHH!" Ron's blood curdling scream was heard for miles.

  
"Viktor?" asked Hermione in disbelief, trying vigorously to dissipate the smoke escaping from her head by waving her arms in the air like a banshee.

  
"Herm-own-ninny," Viktor said. "I vanted to zeprize you!"

  
"It worked alright," Ron squeaked as if he had just swallowed an earthworm flavored Bertie Bott Jelly Bean.  


"My mother iz very zick, zo I cannot invite you over anymore. I've tried to zend you an owl. Did you not rezeive et?" Viktor asked in a concerned voice.

  
"An owl?" she asked. Just the words came out of her mouth, a big thud was heard coming from the window. Everyone turned their heads toward the direction of the commotion as a large owl wobbled back and forth uncertainly outside of the closed window. Hermione quickly opened the window for him.  


"That's my Errol?" Ron asked, eyeing him suspiciously. If Ron had been a little less shocked by the sudden sight of Viktor, he might have burst out in laughter when he saw Errol, but since that wasn't the case, all he was capable of doing was some more staring. Who could blame him? From the bald crown of his head to his dull, aged claw, Errol was covered in some sort of pink dye, and in his beak was a blood red carnation. In his claw he held a huge envelope that was (thank God) the standard beige color of parchments. Only the heart-shaped seal revealed any suggestion of its purpose. Viktor's face flushed crimson; it precisely matched the shade of the carnation.

"Ehh..." Hermione was at a loss for words.  


"What did you do to Errol?! And where did you find him? He's been missing for ages!" Ron was outraged.

  
"I don't know. I found him near my home one day, and he vaz in very bad shape. Zo I had peetty and took him in and cared for him," Viktor explained. "Maybe I should've chozen anoozer owl for zuch a long trip." He eyed Errol worriedly.

  
"What was Errol doing in Bulgaria? And why is he pink again?" Ron demanded.  


Viktor just turned an even darker shade of red as he began to stutter: "Vell, it vaz like zis..."  


Another huge bang cut Viktor's sure-to-be-amazing explanation short. All heads once again turned toward the door.  


"Hey guys!" exclaimed someone that sounded extremely like Harry. But what their eyes saw was the lower half of an enormous body.

  
"Hagrid?" inquired Ron and Hermione in unison.  


"Yerp, an' I brought 'arry with me too!" Hagrid's head appeared in the doorway as he doubled over to enter into the room. Harry appeared behind one of his enormous stumps of a leg.  


"What's up? Ron when did you get here-" Harry started to ask. "Viktor? Viktor Krum? Whoa, what's that thing over there by the window? Ah! Ron! When did you decide to pierce your teeth? I know you've always wanted to outdo your brothers, Ron, but did you have to pick Bill? Though I have to admit, Bill never would've thought of piercing his teeth."  


"What are you talking ab..." he began. Then he suddenly remembered the drill. "My tooth!"  
  
"Serves you right," said Hermione, arms folded in front of her and a look of bitterness glued to her face, "watching me get yelled at with enjoyment like it was some sort of...sort of...UGH!" At a loss for words, her body contorted with rage until her face turned a shade of scarlet so deep that it seemed as though she would explode at any moment. Then she spun around and stomped out of the room, paying careful notice to make sure she crushed Ron's toes on her way.  


"What was that all about?" asked Harry with a raised brow. "Lover's quarrel?"  
  
Now it was Ron's turn to get angry, his face even redder than Hermione's had been. "_Excuse _me?" he demanded. "That was nothing of the sort. There's nothing between me and Hermione. I don't like her like that, and even if I did, she would never..." Ron realized his mistake as a wide-eyed Harry leaned in closer to catch anything else he might let slip.  


"Go on," Harry beckoned in an overly innocent tone. "Even if you _did _have feelings for Hermione..."  


"It doesn't matter, cause I don't. And that's not the point here. If that stupid scum Krum hadn't shown up, none of this would've happened. It's all his fault! 'Ooh, I'm a famous Quidditch player, but I'm still a baby,' " he mocked. " 'I'm going to take Hermione to the Yule Ball. I'm going to write to her _all _summer long and invite her to my _Krummy _house so we can _snog _all day long.' Stupid oaf!"

  
"I am ztill here you know," said a voice in the corner. Harry and Ron spun their heads in surprise to face a very injured looking Krum.  


"Sorry Viktor, he didn't mean it," apologized Harry. "_Right_?" He nudged Ron hard in the gut.

  
"Ow! Right," he said sheepishly. "I'm..." he held his breath. "I'm sorry." He exhaled heavily as those words left his lips. "Phew!"

  
"Vell, vit's ok," said Krum. "You zhould check on Hermy-own-ninny. Tell her I zaid goodvye!" he shouted as he prepared to apparate home.  
  
"Now hold on just a second," the forgotten Mr. Granger called from the doorway. "You did travel all the way from, er...Belarus. The least you could do is to honor us with a nice dentally-sound supper. How about it mate? And I don't mean to brag, but my wife, Mrs. Granger, cooks a mean carrot surprise!" boasted Mr. Granger as he gave Viktor a hearty pat on the back.

  
"Vell," muttered Krum (he obviously didn't hear the carrot part), noticeably a bit more relaxed to know that at least _someone _wanted him there. "It vud give me a chanze to zpend zome dime viz Hermy...er, I mean, I vud love to, Mr. Granger!"

  
"Psstt..." Ron whispered. "Hey Harry, you still got any of those Ton-Tongue candies left?"  


"No, sorry. I used all of the ones that George gave me on Dudley this summer, but I do have a Canary Cream left...wait a minute, why do you want to know?" Harry asked, eyeing Ron suspiciously.  


"Oh, I don't know. I guess I was just thinking that maybe Viktor could get the carrot surprise of his life!"  


* * *   


"_Crucio!_" Voldemort's slithering voice was heard. The shadow of a towering figure lacking a nose could be seen through the cottage window. Another figure with wild hair suddenly dropped beneath it. "Now you will obey me, hag, won't you?" his voice continued as the woman recovered from her torture. "We have much work to be done here before the school starts in a week. Harry will be mine!"

  
The cottage was now located deep in the Forbidden Forest, and a centaur galloped by. He stopped in his track as he eyed the cottage.  
"Harriet has come back!" exclaimed Firenze happily as he started to stride toward the cottage. "But wait, she has also brought something back with her...Pluto!" he gasped with his eyes widened in horror. He ran full speed as far away from the cottage as possible.  


An innocent little bird gingerly landed on the window; it was curious to see this new addition in the forest, but the poor creature didn't know what it was in for. When it turned its beak toward the inside of the cottage, it suddenly produced the most piercing cry it could manage, but it was too late. _SPLAT!_   


Blood oozed out. Voldemort smacked his lips together. Dinner was served.  


* * *   


"Well, dig in everyone!" Mrs. Granger announced enthusiastically as everyone took their seat around a white table that was as white as her teeth. It was covered with the most amazing assortment dishes. Strawberry cheesecake, vanilla cheesecake, triple layered chocolate cake, cherry pie, apple cider, peach and M&M salad, and so much else surrounded a very peculiar center piece, a molar shaped cream-tower cake, pure white. Everyone's mouths all dropped in shock, only this time it was a pleasant kind.

  
"Wow, zis iz what non-magical people eat? Zey arr not az bad az I zought!" Viktor exclaimed.

  
"Victoria!" Mr. Granger's voice sounded shakey. "How could you?! You'll scar the children's teeth for life!!"

  
"Oh, put a sock in it why don't you," said Mrs. Granger with a wave of her hand. "One could eat only so many carrots honey. I've been cooking nothing else but broccoli and asparagus all summer!! Besides, it's the children's last chance for real food, you know. Who knows what kind of cafeteria food that school feeds them!"  


"Well actually..." Ron started to say, only to be stopped by an even sharper stab in the gut from both Hermione and Harry.  


"Exactly! We eat nothing but tofu there! It really gets quite tiresome after a while," Harry covered quickly for Ron, feigning an exceptionally pitiful voice.  


"Well, I guess it's alright," Mr. Granger finally agreed.  


"Splendid! Dig in!" Mrs. Granger announced.

  
"Mmm."   


"Very vood!!" Ron managed to mumble while stuffing himself with another spoon of cherry pudding. He continued chewing.  
  
"These are the vest!" Harry exclaimed through his teeth and a kiwi paddy. He swallowed and chewed some more.  


"Hermy-own-ninny, you've got to try zis cake!" Viktor said as he scooped a heaping spoonfull of the a yellow colored cake with white cream right on top of Hermione's plate.  


"Oh, thanks," Hermione said, turning slightly pink.

  
"NO!" Ron screamed suddenly. "Er...I mean, they're really disgusting, you don't want them."  


"Yes I do," Hermione said.  


"No, you don't," Ron said while winking his left eye furiously.  


"Eh, Ron, is there something in your eye?" Mr. Granger inquired.  


"No sir, there's nothing wrong with it, I just, er...I just think that the lemon cake is disgusting and that Hermione won't like it and that she shouldn't eat it, that's all. It got more of a taste for Viktor, he'd definitely like it better."

  
"Yeah, I really don't think you should eat it either, Hermione," Harry also added meaningfully.  


"What has gotten into you?" Mrs. Granger said. Her face looked slightly hurt. "These are my famous lemon cakes! Everyone loves them!"  


"Oh no, I think they're great! It's just that, well, they're a little too sour for Hermione's taste, that's all," Ron replied.  


"Hmm...maybe I did add a drop too much of that lemon juice," Mrs. Granger said. "Here, let me have a taste." She scooped up a spoon full of the lemon cake (with a bit of the cream on top as well) from Hermione's plate and quickly stuffed it in her mouth before Ron or Harry could stop her.

  
"Uh-oh," said Ron and Harry in unison.  


A pop was could be heard followed by Mr. Granger's scream. "AHH!! VICTORIA!!" The seat on which Mrs. Granger had been sitting just seconds before a big puffy yellow canary with beady eyes was seated. The canary blinked once...twice, and it's face revealed an expression of confusion as it stared at Mr. Granger. All too soon, it was over. With another _POP!_ Mrs. Granger was back to normal.  


"What _are _you screaming for?" Mrs. Granger asked obliviously. Apparently, she didn't even realize that she had just transformed.  


"Hubba, hubba" was all Mr. Granger was capable of saying at that moment.  


"Ron! Why did you do that to my mother for?!" cried Hermione.  


"It wasn't meant for your mother! It was meant-" Ron quickly checked himself as he glanced at Viktor. "Er...I meant it was...it was an accident." Harry snickered beside Ron. Viktor was evidently amused as well; for the first time since he'd arrived, the sternness of his eyes was gone. They were now full of laughter, though he was polite enough not to laugh aloud.   


Mrs. Granger still stared quizzically at Mr. Granger who continued to mutter "hubba, hubba." Hermione looked as if she's ready to bash Ron's brain out. Ron forced a nervous and uncertain smile as he met Hermione's glare, his ears turning darker shades of ruby by the second.   


The sun was setting outside the window, and another boring, uneventful day at the twilight where the Muggle and the Magical worlds meet was about to end. The heros of our story continued to bicker away, unaware of the peril that lay before them.


End file.
